Existentialism

I very rarely use this blog to write anything personal, but it’s about that time. Everything has been falling into place lately, and even though I’m extremely happy about growing up and doing more and more on my own, nothing ever changes at home. I’m almost 20 and I absolutely hate living at home. I don’t look at it in the sense of free rent and and easy ride, because in all honesty the free rent isn’t worth the mental exhaustion that comes with it. 

It’s always just been my mom and I, and as far back as I can remember, she’s always had a short fuse. It didn’t take much to set her off and make her yell like a drill sergeant. And the older I’ve gotten, the less afraid I’ve been to yell back and the less I paid attention to what I was yelling. Sometimes I think that I only love my mom because she’s my mom. Because in reality, she’s one of the shittiest people I’ve ever met. 

I’ve made mistakes and wasn’t the easiest kids to raise, but I was far better than others. I never got into drugs, I never got into sex or alcohol at an early age, and I never got into trouble with the law. The worst I did was lie about where I was or who I was with on a couple occasions and I didn’t apply myself as much as I could have in high school. I was just an average teenager with a distaste for high school. 

But as of lately, things with mom are starting to get more personal. She’s not just yelling at me for those reasons anymore. About six months ago I realized that the 2karat diamond engagement ring my great grandma had left me was no longer in its designated place. I searched a few other places that she mad have hidden it but it was nowhere to be found. Iroinically enough…the next day my mother received a notice from a pawn shop and I automatically just knew. When I approached my mom about it, she told me not to worry, she would get it back. Just a few days later I asked her about it and she got annoyed and snapped at me and told me to let her worry about it and that I would have my ring soon enough. Needless to say, she let the deadline pass and now I can no longer get my ring back. 

Living at home, I give my mom the power to make my life a living hell. So when she approached me and asked me to loan her some money, I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. We set up a date for her to pay me back the grand I took out of my savings  for a car just to bail her out of debt. Sure enough a few months after loaning her the money, she got upset when I didn’t give her a present TWO days before her actual birthday. This led to her telling me that she was no longer going to pay me back, that I could sell the car she had been letting me drive, and whatever I could get out of that would be my repayment. She had previously told me that I could sell the car AND she would pay me back the money she borrowed. 

In the past six months I’ve been absolutely miserable. I bust my ass 40 hours a week on 3rd shift at a gas station trying to make enough money to pay my car payment, my insurance payment, my phone bill, and still manage to save enough to move out as soon as possible. But it just seems like every time I take two steps forward, I get knocked two steps back. And I just don’t know what to do anymore.  

perpetualisolation:

The Story So Far - Swords And Pens

put yourself in my place for just one day
watch all the colors in your spectrum fade grey
aware than ever that I might never be calm again
and it shakes every fucking bone
trying to do the right thing on my own

(via pickupyourfuckingfeet)